If I die before I wake . . .

Some might say I've been a bit preoccupied by death since my mother died about 3 1/2 years ago. While I would understand this ascertain, I would deny it. My preoccupation is not about death but rather about a lack of death.

Shortly after my mother died, when I was in the initial stages of grief, I had a moment of enlightenment. I was driving to work going over those same thoughts that had plagued my head since my mother died and I was trying to define "this" feeling. It was then that the phrase came to me as clear as day, "The absence of everything is not nothing - it is everything." Oh sure, it sounds nonsensical but after diving headlong into grief and an examination of death, I had nothing to conclude but that death doesn't exist. It is just a much a part of what we identify as "life" as anything else. It is a continuum and this thought was life changing to me.

Fast forward 3 1/2 years, I'm sitting at a beautiful funeral of the husband of a friend and it's all coming back to me again. Yet, in present day I try to stay in the present moment and I find myself consumed with the physical, visible world. So what was I doing? I'm looking around and trying to sum up a life. That's right - I'm fully human and I'm literally looking around and trying to judge everyone - their relationship to the person that died and what is still left and it hits me. I'm not nearly interesting enough to die yet.

So here starts my new journey into what I now prefer to call "transition" as opposed to death. You see there is no freakin' way I'm going to be summed up and deemed "normal". Normal, as in keeping to a certain type of people, having family that simply adores me, and co-workers that tell my funny jokes. Oh no! And so, it is with great excitement that I have begun to develop my "Relationship Profile"

My "Relationship Profile" is an attempt to fully measure the fascination level of my relationships, however ephemeral they may be. While there will certainly be the standard questions - like name (who would want 10 Katies at their funeral" - no offense to you, Katie, Katie, Katie and Katie),  there will be quotas of all sorts to fill. I need some relations with a sense of humor and certainly a few without. I need that crotchety old woman down the street but I would like a dignitary to be there as well. I think that there will be a question undoubtedly about what color you will wear to my funeral (and if you want to get on my list, realize that I cannot except over 50% black attire). There will also be a question about how honest you are likely to be - particularly on the occasion of my death. For instance, I don't plan to be particularly "courageous" or one that "always had a positive attitude". Fiddlesticks. If I'm dying I will undoubtedly be wimpy, cry like a baby and curse you all. Of course, I'll have to have a quota of people that are willing to lie for me as well.  I mean, the occasion of my death is no time to rehash my fabulous yet  red-cheek-inducing sexcapades. I do anticipate that a select group of those that are accepted as "relations of Kristin" will have a post funeral event to discuss such things, but honestly - we need to keep it all in perspective as much as I need to keep it interesting.

If you are currently an acquaintance of mine, you certainly have an edge but realize that it's not personal. This is about how I will be judged and, at the transition, my relationships with those I have come in contact with are all that really matters. So I'll see you soon and in the meantime, don't forget to look in your mailbox for your "Relationship Survey".